In December, I turned 80 and started what I call the Fourth Journey of my life. I notice the change in me – as I listen to my deeper self, the question that keeps repeating itself is, “What matters most to me at this phase of my life?” There is a sense of urgency in me – I have become more aware of limited (or diminishing) time in my life. A friend of mine who also turned 80 calls this a period of “freedom within narrow boundaries”.

I do feel that this will be a different journey. At this stage of our lives, there are many unknowns and unexpected experiences not to mention some losses – family, friends, some aspect of our own health, among others. I am sure many of my past colleagues from PAHO/WHO who may have reached this phase of life also recognized this fact.

In the United States, the average life expectancy for men is 73.5 years and for women 79.3 years (Worlddata.info at https://www.worlddata.info)). Those who reach age 80 and beyond are reasonably healthy and functional should consider themselves fortunate.

It is said that in life we journey forward, but we learn from looking backward. But I feel that in view of what is unexpected and unknown, it is difficult to clearly define how we want this phase of our life’s journey to be. I certainly feel that there is no clear path, and everyone’s journey will be different. I cannot set goals and I don’t get a clear vision of the future. However, I do feel that this phase of my life should be a journey of Being rather than Doing. This is not something at which I have been good. I am much better at doing. Just “being” I feel is a waste of time. I always feel that I should be doing something – achieving something tangible, something that I feel proud of and satisfied that I have made myself useful to the world. Can I change my perception of my life from now on?

I question: “What matters to me most at this phase of my life?”

I must learn to be “old” or find inspiration from writings/experiences of others who have made this journey and how to feel comfortable with my life as it unfolds – how to be still at times and listen to my breath, my body, my spirit.

An inspiring quote from a poem: “Fearless Out of Wisdom” from the Sage’s Tao T Ching (Ancient Advice for the Second Half of Life”¹:

“Discovering my strengths has been a benefit,

But discovering my true weaknesses and acknowledge them to myself

I see myself for who I am. NO ILLUSION – GREAT SERENITY.”

Another passage from “Autumn Conscious Eldering and Aging Consciously² (Ron Pevny) was very helpful.

“In these darker months of the year, our psyche calls us to direct our energies toward our inner lives, as we seek the guidance for the journey forward that can come only from befriending our authentic inner voice that knows our unique path toward the wholeness of conscious elderhood – the voice that is our only reliable map through the mysterious and dangerous territory that lies both within and without.”

I still want to find quieter and less goal-directed path where emotional growth and spiritual deepening are priorities. Yet I keep wanting a clear map that would give me direction, challenges, and clear pathways (and even not so clear ones.) I am realizing that “Old Maps” no longer work. I keep looking at the paths I have gone on, the challenges that came my way, some with which I was able to cope – some just stayed unresolved. I try to look at my old past map – maybe there is some hidden road, maybe there is something I have missed or that remained unresolved that I can now pursue.

But no – as Joyce Rupp writes in her poem – Old Maps No Longer Work³

“There is nothing there now except some well-travelled paths.

They have seen my footsteps often, held my laughter, caught my tears.

I keep going over the old map but now the road leads nowhere.

It seems that there is a meaningless wilderness where life is dull and futile.

Tear away the old map, she says, it is no use where you are going.

But I must have a map – I can’t be without direction.

She says, so why not let fo, be free?

Whatever will I do? Wails my security.

Trust me she says – my old /experienced sould.

How will I know where to go? How will I find my way with no map?

But then my soul cries out – “Just be a pilgrim – travel by the stars.”

https://womenofacertainagedotca.com/

I realize that in this journey I need to savor life, focusing more on being and less on doing. Learning how to balance doing and being is a critical task at this phase of my life’s journey. One of the significant shifts that occurs as I enter my life’s later chapters on my fourth journey is an awareness of my mortality, hence the inner call – sometimes heard, sometimes not – and the importance of focusing on who I am as unique being. With this awareness my inner voices tells me if I want to find fulfilment in this phase of my life’s journey, I need to find a balance between serving and savoring, doing and being, and I must learn how to “be” while doing. In my younger years I needed to push beyond my perceived limits and learn something critical about my drive and passion. I was building a strong ego that would succeed in life. But now it is important for me to ask: “What matters most to me now?” A dear friend who just turned 90 taught me to ask oneself when faced with such dilemma: What now? Why Not? If not now, when? If not me, then who?

Another challenge that I face (and I believe some of us who have worked in the international field that required living a significant amount of time in countries not of our origin) is where do I want to live now? I have been away from my own country of birth for most of my life. I have moved more than 20 times to different countries and different homes. The question that I ask is: “Where is my home now?” I didn’t have children. I am sure many of my colleagues who have children who were either born or grew up and settled in the country where they worked may also find this dilemma – to live near their extended family or return to their own homeland and culture. Moving away from long-established friends and finding new friendships can be challenging as we get older. And the situation in our country of birth may have changed a lot since we left it. Solo ageing when one loses a partner can be even more challenging.

So, I decided to give myself permission to go ahead and explore options t move where my heart calls, with passion and an open mind, listening to my inner voice even in this uncertain period.

It is time for the pilgrim in me to travel in the dark, to learn to read the stars that shine in my soul. I will walk deeper in the dark of the night. I will trust the guidance of the stars and let their light be enough for me.

This is the time to remove “should” from my dictionary. The key is finding a balance that is right for me. It is the time for closing the old accounts. Life is coming to a full circle.

Will I declare on my death bed – “I have loved. I have lived. I have accomplished what I came for?”

Here are some references that may be helpful when pondering about life at this phase of one’s journey (as they were to me):

1. When Everything Changes Change Everything, By Neal Donald Walsch; EmNin Books 2009
2. Do Not Fo Quietly, By Geoard and SedenaCapanelli; Agape Media International, 2013
3. Repacking Your Bags, By Richard Leider, David A. Shapiro, Barrett-Kohler Publisher, Inc., 2012
4. The Power of Purpose – Find Meaning, Live Longer, Better, By Richard J. Leider; Third Edition, Berrett Kohler Publishers, Inc. 2015

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Footnotes:

¹ The Sage’s Tao Te Ching: Ancient Advice for The Second Half of Life, Book by William Martin, 2020

² Conscious Living, Conscious Aging: Embrace & Savor Your Next Chapter, Ron Pevny, Atria Paperback, 2014

3 Dear Heart, Come Home to the Path of Midlife Spirituality, Joyce Rupp; Crossroads Publishing Company, 1996

By Sumedha Mona Khanna. Published in The Association of Former PAHO/WHO Staff Members Newsletter: Vol. XXXIV No.3, October 2023.file:///G:/AYY%20files/Sumedha/articles/FV-NL-%20October%202023.pdf